We're all going to find ourselves in heated situations, so learning how to handle these in a healthy way is essential to your self-development journey.
"The quality of our lives depends on not whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them"
The best way to deal with conflict is to avoid it. This seems like the obvious answer that is probably easier said than done, but learning how to avoid an argument before it begins can save you many unfruitful and draining conversations. The first lesson you must learn is that you don't always have to voice your disagreements. Voicing our disagreements can immediately put us into 'defense' mode, whether we are the ones defending our viewpoint or making someone else defend theirs, we are creating a space for an argument to develop which can lead to resentment. Now don't get me wrong, it's healthy to challenge opinions - especially in a society where people are scared to question anything out of fear of being "offensive" or "cancelled", but this requires a sense of discernment on when and how to do so. Not every opposing comment someone makes is worth getting into a heated discussion over, and if you think it is, then you may have to have a sit down with your ego. Ask yourself: Is the person I'm disagreeing with capable of a fruitful discussion? Is the topic worth my time and effort? If the answer is no, keep your opinions to yourself and try to change the conversation. But if you think it is, then here are some tips on how to handle conflict with grace and kindness:
How to deal with conflict
Be open to the disagreement
Whether you are the one disagreeing or being disagreed with, let the other person see that you are open to hearing what they have to say. Allowing everyone involved to feel like they have a space to share their thoughts (and are actually being listened to!) creates a more open and understanding environment than if you repeatedly speak over the top of them or shutdown their thoughts. Welcome the disagreement, show them that you are wanting to hear their point of view and are engaged in having a conversation about it. You may find they'll respect you more, or that things get less heated - but at the very least it reaffirms to yourself that your character is someone who treats others with respect.
* if you want to be extra graceful, consider thanking the person for raising points you hadn't considered. Show them that you are giving thought to, and considering their views.
Control your thoughts and emotions
This may be tricky for some, but control your temper. Be slow to anger, slow to speak. Before you open your mouth, take a second to calm down and collect your thoughts, never act on the first thing that comes up in your mind as this will always be defensive! This may mean doing breathing exercises, saying a prayer or taking time out. But only respond when you feel you are in control of your thoughts and emotions.
*If you are disagreeing over text/email, write a separate message containing your raw, initial emotions, then delete the message and write it again once you're in a calmer headspace.
Ask follow-up questions
Have you ever been in a discussion with someone who is clearly in their head, thinking of how to respond before you have even finished your point? Don't be that person. By asking follow-up questions you're not only showing the other person you're listening, but it keeps your mind out of your own thoughts and focused on what the other person is saying. Take your time to respond, and when you do, follow up with questions that will make them explain their points further. You'll find most people who are in the wrong will start to question or doubt themselves if you ask the right questions. (And they're more likely to admit to this if they don't know you disagree with them, so avoid saying "you're wrong").
Be open-minded and honest
No matter how certain or passionate you are about a topic, you simply don't know everything. Acknowledge there are areas that you don't know or may be wrong about and together focus on and look at the facts. Find areas of understanding and agreement and work your way from there. This shows humility and open-mindedness, allowing you to build bridges rather than walls. And if you find you've made a mistake, acknowledge it and apologise! By admitting to your errors, you're showing humility and that you're a human on a journey of growth with a willingness to learn - and you'll find they'll be more likely to admit to their mistakes too!
Know when to walk away
Finally, know when to walk away. If the conversation is circling, people are getting frustrated or if there is no clear resolution then there is little point in engaging in the conversation any further. Don't try to force the other person to accept your point of view, or fight to have the final say. Regardless of the outcome, end the conversation gracefully by thanking them for their time and for engaging in this discussion with you. (Even if you don't feel this way, be at peace with the fact that they are simply in a different headspace to you at this moment and you've said what you've had to say - who knows
what affect your words will have on them later on!)
How much easier would life be if people could disagree and yet maintain a level of respect for one another. Drama and conflict puts us in a negative headspace which can impact our overall health if we are exposed to it enough, which is why we need to learn how to handle it in a healthy, peaceful way. Avoiding disagreements doesn't mean you agree with the other person, and choosing to engage in conflict doesn't mean you have to scream and shout. You can challenge people whilst still loving them. Disagree with people whilst still showing them respect. Learning this skill will give you, and others, a more calm and peaceful life. So the next time you find yourself getting heated, note down how you reacted - not the other person!- and see what triggered you to react that way and how you're going to change that!