Not loving yourself is a painful existence, but so is loving yourself in the wrong way. There's a pivotal fine-line between loving yourself and being arrogantly self-obsessed. Know your importance, know your worth, but know others' too.
“We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light.”
For years I struggled with the idea of 'self-love'; the concept seemed rooted in vanity and self-centeredness, everything I believed to be wrong with the world. And whilst I still hold the view that mainstream media often provides a toxic route into how we should be loving ourselves, years of self-hatred taught me the importance of having a healthy level of self-love. How can we expect others to love and value us if we do not love and value ourselves? We accept the love we think we deserve; and so those with a low view of themselves are more susceptible to experiencing people using or mistreating them.
So how do we practise self-love, especially if we're someone who struggles with insecurities? Well, firstly, you may be glad to hear that self-love does not require loving or liking everything about yourself, which is something I expand on here*. Instead, it is learning how to be content and confident in your own skin, accepting who you are and who you aren't. It's also important to note that there is no step-by-step guide on how to love yourself. Love is measured in different ways by different people. There is no check-list you can tick-off to confirm that you do indeed finally love yourself. Love is a movement, an organic journey that changes and evolves throughout your life. What loving yourself looks like today, may look completely different in five years time.
There are, however, certain truths to self-love. It starts from within, the voice within your mind, which eventually reflects in all the ways you live your life, giving you the freedom to live confidently and independently as authentically and beautifully you. So if you're on the journey of developing a healthy sense of self-love, here are some helpful tips to explore:
How to love yourself
Know your strengths and weaknesses
You can't be good at everything - that's just how life works! We are all dealt different cards, all uniquely ours, and it's up to us to decide whether we embrace the gifts we've been given, or live a miserable life consumed by comparison. Getting to truly know yourself and learning what your strengths and weaknesses are is a helpful first-step to self-love and acceptance.
In your journal, dedicate a page identifying all of your strengths and interests. Who are you? What are you good at? What qualities are you grateful for?
Having a journal to remind you of the beauty you possess, both inside and out, is useful in the moments we are consumed by our own critical thoughts, or caught up in comparison. If you struggle with this exercise, think of similar traits you see in a friend or family member, think of how it uniquely adds to their character, and then apply this to yourself.
Next, make a separate list of things you don't like about yourself; things that you struggle with or are not good at, whether that be traits, skills or physical insecurities. Read through this list and decide if these weaknesses are things you can, and want to, grow in. If the answer is yes, then journal why this is important to you, and then be patient and kind to yourself as you take the steps to grow in this area. If the answer is no, then accept that's just not who you are, or who you were designed to be! Learning to be content with who you are, and who you are not, is a vital step for self-love.
View yourself through the eyes of someone who loves you
How many times have you heard friends or loved ones express insecurities about something you haven't noticed, or have even admired, about them! We can be so harsh with ourselves, so used to the narrative we tell ourselves in the mirror, that we forget we don't see ourselves the way other people do.
Hold a mirror up to your face and stare yourself in the eyes. Observe all the little details that make up your face: the different shades of colour in your eyes, the way your mouth curves as you smile, the little marks and blemishes that decorate your face. Now describe these features as though you are describing the face of a friend or a loved one to someone who hasn't seen them before. Notice how your language changes, how kind and appreciative you are towards their features. Those 'boring brown eyes' may now be 'dark mahogany eyes that turn caramel in the sun'. Or 'thin lips' may now be 'natural petite lips that speak the kindest words'. Imagine you spoke about yourself like that; that you viewed yourself as a beautifully crafted work of art; unique to you and you alone.
If someone pays you a compliment, don't dismiss it, write it down! Document the ways others perceive you, so that whenever you hear yourself speaking negatively about your appearance, or catch yourself caught up in comparison, you can remove yourself out of your own head and into the reality for how you're truly perceived. That's not to say get caught up in the approval of others, but rather be open to believing the compliments that are spoken over you, even if you're the one saying them.
Work on Yourself: What is/isn't working?
Our lifestyle plays a big part in how we view ourselves. You may have heard that when we glow on the inside, this will shine on the outside. Whilst this is true, those who struggle with internal love may find that working the opposite way around can also achieve the same results.
Simple changes in how we dress, carry ourselves and our daily routines can change the way we perceive ourselves. If we look like someone who loves themselves when we look in the mirror, this message will start to internalize in our mind. It's easier to love ourselves when we are living a life that brings out the best in us.
So it's time to review and evaluate your life. Write down a list of things that are working, and things that are not. When something is working for you, it is driving you to be a happier, healthier version of yourself. It is giving you energy, peace and filling you with purpose and life.
When something is not working, it is draining your energy, it drives you no closer to the person you want to be, and serves no helpful purpose in your life. What's included in these lists will look different for every single person, however, you should start with things like hobbies and routines. How are you spending your free time? Who are you following on social media - do the profiles inspire and encourage you? Are you exercising? What time are you going to bed - do you go on your phone before bed?
Then look at the company you surround yourself with. Do these people value you? Do they value your time and bring out the best in you?
How about your appearance? Are you dressing to suit your body type? Are you wearing clothes that make you feel beautiful? Play around with styles until you have a wardrobe you feel confident in. Are you practicing basic hygiene and grooming?
Even if you're struggling with self-love and acceptance, taking small steps to better your life will enforce your subconscious that you are someone worth looking after. You'd be surprised how much your outlook on life changes with a healthy routine and clean appearance.
Set boundaries
I've touched on the importance of boundaries in my blog here.
Boundaries are vital to self-love. They show other people, and reinforce to yourself, that you are someone who values yourself and will not be disrespected. In order to set boundaries, you need to know what you value in life and what you are/are not willing to put up with. Whilst this mostly applies to how we allow others to treat us, it is just as important for yourself.
We may set a boundary on who we allow ourselves to open up to. We may set a boundary on how much money we spend in the week, or how much time we allow ourselves on social media.
Identifying and setting clear boundaries is the blueprint to how we go about our lives. It filters who we let in, and the behaviours we tolerate. However, it's important to remember that we can set as many boundaries as we like, but they will mean nothing if we are not disciplined in sticking with them. The moment you disrespect your boundaries, is the moment other people will do it too. People will take you as seriously as you take yourself - so learn to set boundaries, and watch your confidence and self-love grow as you begin to live by them.
Remember, there is no one else on this earth who looks exactly like you, nor will there ever be again. Your voice, your smile, the way you process information - everything about you is uniquely designed to you. You have one life on this earth, one body to experience it with, one soul to explore and develop. Look after yourself, truly. We are all imperfect humans, we have all fallen short, but we were designed by Love, for love. And so start with yourself, then extend it to another. And see how beautiful life can be just by being you.
*upcoming blogs will be linked once published
