Kindness does NOT equal people pleasing. Repeat that until it sinks in.
"We must not mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness isn't weakness. Kindness is a certain type of strength."
Important: make sure you read what kindness is.
Whilst it's important to grow in kindness, it's of equal importance to have a healthy understanding of what kindness is not. By learning this, you are saving yourself from unhealthy and damaging views that can lead to unnecessary guilt and people pleasing tendencies. Remember, it is just as important to be kind to yourself as it is to extend it to others - it's all about balance! I wish someone had taught me this when I was younger; I fell into thinking that in order to stay kind I had to neglect my own feelings for the sake of other people, especially in the area of standing up for myself! So take this time to understand that:
You can be a kind person and still...
Say no
There is no guilt or shame in saying no. If you respect someone else's 'no' then why shouldn't someone respect yours? Sometimes we may find that we give others more grace than we give ourselves, but you're just as entitled to say no as everybody else is! This doesn't mean you're selfish or rude, or that you have to justify yourself or over- apologise. It's great to help people out, but you can't always be available, nor should you feel pressured into doing so. Sometimes the answer is no and that's ok!
Voice your 'unpopular' opinions
Society has become rather sensitive to opinions they do not agree with. This has gone as far as 'cancelling' those online whose views differ from the majority. As a result, people are either not speaking out on things they disagree with, or they're changing their views to conform with the majority out of fear of appearing 'controversial' or 'offensive'. This is not a healthy mindset to have. Hearing thoughts and beliefs that are different to our own is essential to our own growth and development. It is not unkind to challenge someone's views or disagree with them. As long as you're mindful of how you express yourself, it is not your responsibility for the outburst of another who is not emotionally mature enough to handle an opposing view. There is always someone who will agree or disagree with you, so do not hold back on expressing your unpopular opinions.
Set clear boundaries
This one is important. Without clear boundaries you will find yourself being taken advantage of, gaslighted or guilt tripped into doing things you do not want to do for the sake of 'being kind'. People will use your kindness against you if you don't set boundaries. Boundaries are also an act of kindness towards yourself. You are valuing your own needs and wants in a way that is not selfish or self-centered. It's a way of showing others, and reaffirming to yourself, that you respect yourself and will not tolerate certain behaviour. If someone knowingly ignores or crosses your boundaries they are disrespecting you and you have the right to be firm or walk away without guilt or fear of appearing unkind. Be clear with yourself on what your boundaries are, and then set them.
Express anger and frustration
There is a big difference between everyday anger and righteous anger. Everyday anger controls and consumes you. Righteous anger is a healthy response to the exposure of wrongful and evil doings. If we see something that is unjust or unfair, we are going to be angry, and rightfully so. If someone has done something to purposefully wrong you; if they have knowingly crossed your boundaries or misused you, you have every right to express your anger or frustration with them. People cannot treat you however they please just because you're a kind person. Nor can they belittle your emotions by labelling you as 'unkind' if you react to their disrespect. There is a way to healthily express your anger, but you can most definitely be a kind person and still show anger.
These are just a few examples to remind you that kindness is not a weakness. This self-absorbed world needs more kindness, but that does not mean you will tolerate or put up with anything! Now please bear in mind that whilst you should put these things into practise, there is a way to do it. You can express unpopular opinions without being disrespectful, or say no without being curt. This requires wisdom, life experience and common sense. I will be addressing many of these things in my upcoming blogs which will show you how to apply these values to your life whilst still having an air of kindness and grace about you. I encourage you to reflect on ways people may misuse your kind nature and explore which of these actions you need to improve on!