Learning how to release control and accept the journey life hands us is fundamental to a healthy development and more peaceful life. (check out point 6!)
"Life is unexpectable - accept it and enjoy the journey. Open yourself to change and new possibilities - who knows where that will lead you."
Stress, anxiety and other negative outbursts of emotion can often be the response from trying to control the outcome of situations. There are many reasons why we may try to control something, or someone, whether it's to protect ourselves from being hurt or to protect someone else. Perhaps your partner is about to break up with you, or you think you're about to lose your job. Maybe your friend is dating someone you think is no good for her, or they're engaging in a lifestyle you do not agree with. Whilst we should express our concerns, frustrations and honest emotions with the people in our lives, we cannot and should not try to control them if they do not respond in the way we would like them to. By doing so you may cause more hurt, damage or even resentment. Control makes us feel safe and powerful which is why it can be hard for some people to give this up, but once you realise we can only control how we respond to people and to situations in life, it makes our journey through life so much easier.
How To Let Go Of Control
Affirmations
Our heightened emotions can lead our minds astray from how we usually think and function. Reminding ourselves out loud of who we are and who we want to be refocuses our mind and reinforces our subconscious on how we want to react to situations. For example, let's say the guy you like has stopped texting you back. Do you play mind games to win him over? Or do you affirm to yourself that the man whose meant for you will find time for you? Maybe you and a sibling clash over an opinion on something. Do you stir an argument if they fail to agree with you? Or do you remind yourself that people are entitled to their own opinion and you will be patient and understanding with them. Shifting our mindset is the first step to releasing the control we feel entitled to and allowing ourselves to remain calm and collected.
Have faith
Scripture tells us that we should trust God and lean not on our own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). Therefore we should be at peace knowing that everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to. (and if it doesn't happen - it wasn't meant for us!) If something or someone is in line with the will for our lives, it will make itself known without the need for control. And just because something is not happening for us now, it does not mean it will not happen for us in the future. That's not to say we shouldn't work hard for the things we want in life, but if we find ourselves stressing out over something that isn't going our way or you're trying to change, or convince someone to do something, there's a good chance you're trying to control something that isn't meant for you. Have faith that what's meant for you will always find it's way into your life without the need to control it.
Be present
Accept what is happening right now, for that is the reality of the situation. When we dwell on scenarios, or assume the outcome of something, our mind can convince us that something is better or worse than what is really going on. Be in the present moment and acknowledge what has happened and how you are going to respond to it. Not how you are going to try to control and change it to favour your outcome. Your ex boyfriend has added a new girl on Facebook the day after you have broken up? Don't conjure up a plan to 'get back at him' or make him choose you. How do you know he is even interested in the girl? So what if he is? Speak the situation aloud to get yourself out of what you think is going on, and clarify what is really going on. So in this instance the reality of the situation is that he is not your boyfriend. He has added a new girl on Facebook. That's all there is to it. By bringing yourself back to the present moment, you realise how little control you have or are entitled to have over situations our minds and ego may convince us we have.
Meditate
Following on from being present, meditation is a great way to calm your mind and control your emotions. As you remove yourself from all distractions, allow yourself to feel and acknowledge your emotions - the good, the bad and the ugly! Allow any anger, bitterness and frustration to surface and then release it from within you through deep breaths and tears if you need to! Once you allow your emotions to flow, you may choose to speak with God or fill your mind with His truths. Calming your mind and body down is an important step to recharging your energy and releasing the need to react and take control of situations. You may also find journaling helps collect your thoughts and identifies where and why you are trying to control things.
Focus on yourself
Repeat this as many times as you need to: I can only control my own actions. You are responsible for you. You are accountable to you. It doesn't matter what they did, how much they deserved it and how justified you were in your eyes - you're the one who controls what you do - not them!
I get it, people can wind us up and make us act out in ways we swear only they can bring out of us. But the reality is, we are going to encounter all types of people and situations in life and we cannot control who, when and how these happen. However, we can control how we react and respond to these things. If someone if repeatedly lying to you, you cannot control their tongue and make them be honest. Or try to squeeze the truth out of them - well, you may be able to, but that is mentally exhausting! Instead, focus on what you can control. You can control how much influence they have in your life. You can control how much power their words have over you. And you can control how you respond to their lies. Remain focused on being the person you want to be in every situation, not the person you say they've 'made' you be (that's on you!). Also note that nobody owes you any outcomes, so do not insist on them. If your friends aren't making an effort with you after you've expressed how it makes you feel, leave. Don't argue or demand they have to do certain things because they're "your friend". Their actions have spoken for themselves. Carry on doing the right things and the right people will surround you. If we all focused on our own toxicities instead of trying to control the things we dislike in each other, the world would be a healthier place!
Let people live
I have to admit that this was the biggest challenge for me, but also the most lifechanging!
Everyone you ever meet is a free person, with free will, just like yourself. We all have the right to choose who we want in our lives and who we do not want, to go where we want to go and do not want to go. This may seem obvious, but I think we can sometimes forget this truth - especially in relationships or with family, where we may feel some type of entitlement. Nobody has the right to control your decisions, or get angry at you for not living life the way they want you to live it. Likewise, you also have no right to control and get angry at others either. For example, I prefer not to go on dates with men who follow certain creators on social media, but instead of walking away from men when I discovered their following, I would engage in debates with them and try to get them to admit they were wrong or recognise they shouldn't be following these people. Often times it would work, but I would still be annoyed they entertained these profiles in the first place. This was an exhausting way to live, and I found myself doing it in many other situations in my life.
Once I saw people for who they were, not for who I wanted them to be or who I thought they should be, it made it easier to simply remove myself from situations. I accepted that that is something that person wants to do, but as it is a non-negoable boundary of mine, I accepted we were not meant to be and moved on with peace knowing they were not for me. This isn't to say we can't challenge people's actions, but there is a big difference between challenging someone's view and trying to control it!
Once you truly realise and accept that we are all free beings living our lives, exploring what works for us and what does not, you can begin to enjoy the process. Welcome people in and welcome people out - and wish everyone well on their venture! It makes life so much easier!
*Just to note, there are some things in life we can control and therefore we should. For instance if your family likes to eat junk food but this is leading to health issues, you should make the changes to the family food shop to better the health of your family. However this article is directed towards situations that are out of our control, or would require unhealthy, manipulative or extreme reactions in order to get things into our control.
